Here's how Joyce took a stab at it:
It made him very tired to think that way. It made him feel his head very big. He turned over the flyleaf and looked wearily at the green round earth in the middle of the maroon clouds. He wondered which was right, to be for the green or for the maroon, because Dante had ripped the green velvet back off the brush that was for Parnell one day with her scissors and had told him that Parnell was a bad man. He wondered if they were arguing at home about that. That was called politics. There were two sides in it: Dante was on one side and his father and Mr Casey were on the other side but his mother and uncle Charles were on no side. Every day there was something in the paper about it.James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Ch. 1.
It pained him that he did not know well what politics meant and that he did not know where the universe ended. He felt small and weak. When would he be like the fellows in poetry and rhetoric? They had big voices and big boots and they studied trigonometry. That was very far away.
How pale the light was at the window! But that was nice. The fire rose and fell on the wall. It was like waves. Someone had put coal on and he heard voices. They were talking. It was the noise of the waves. Or the waves were talking among themselves as they rose and fell.
He saw the sea of waves, long dark waves rising and falling, dark under the moonless night. A tiny light twinkled at the pierhead where the ship was entering: and he saw a multitude of people gathered by the waters' edge to see the ship that was entering their harbour. A tall man stood on the deck, looking out towards the flat dark land: and by the light at the pierhead he saw his face, the sorrowful face of Brother Michael.
He saw him lift his hand towards the people and heard him say in a loud voice of sorrow over the waters:
-- He is dead. We saw him lying upon the catafalque. A wail of sorrow went up from the people.
-- Parnell! Parnell! He is dead!
They fell upon their knees, moaning in sorrow.
And he saw Dante in a maroon velvet dress and with a green velvet mantle hanging from her shoulders walking proudly and silently past the people who knelt by the water's edge.
It was his first Christmas dinner and he thought of his little brothers and sisters who were waiting in the nursery, as he had often waited, till the pudding came. The deep low collar and the Eton jacket made him feel queer and oldish: and that morning when his mother had brought him down to the parlour, dressed for mass, his father had cried. That was because he was thinking of his own father. And uncle Charles had said so too.
Mr Dedalus covered the dish and began to eat hungrily. Then he said:
-- Poor old Christy, he's nearly lopsided now with roguery.
-- Simon, said Mrs Dedalus, you haven't given Mrs Riordan any sauce.
Mr Dedalus seized the sauceboat.
-- Haven't I? he cried. Mrs Riordan, pity the poor blind. Dante covered her plate with her hands and said:
-- No, thanks.
Mr Dedalus turned to uncle Charles.
-- How are you off, sir?
-- Right as the mail, Simon.
-- You, John?
-- I'm all right. Go on yourself.
--Mary? Here, Stephen, here's something to make your hair curl.
He poured sauce freely over Stephen's plate and set the boat again on the table. Then he asked uncle Charles was it tender. Uncle Charles could not speak because his mouth was full; but he nodded that it was.
-- That was a good answer our friend made to the canon. What? said Mr Dedalus.
-- I didn't think he had that much in him, said Mr Casey.
-- I'll pay your dues, father, when you cease turning the house of God into a polling-booth.
-- A nice answer, said Dante, for any man calling himself a catholic to give to his priest.
-- They have only themselves to blame, said Mr Dedalus suavely. If they took a fool's advice they would confine their attention to religion.
-- It is religion, Dante said. They are doing their duty in warning the people.
-- We go to the house of God, Mr Casey said, in all humility to pray to our Maker and not to hear election addresses.
-- It is religion, Dante said again. They are right. They must direct their flocks.
-- And preach politics from the altar, is it? asked Mr Dedalus.
-- Certainly, said Dante. It is a question of public morality. A priest would not be a priest if he did not tell his flock what is right and what is wrong.
Mrs Dedalus laid down her knife and fork, saying:
-- For pity sake and for pity sake let us have no political discussion on this day of all days in the year.
-- Quite right, ma'am, said uncle Charles. Now, Simon, that's quite enough now. Not another word now.
-- Yes, yes, said Mr Dedalus quickly.
He uncovered the dish boldly and said:
-- Now then, who's for more turkey?
Nobody answered. Dante said:
-- Nice language for any catholic to use!
-- Mrs Riordan, I appeal to you, said Mrs Dedalus, to let the matter drop now.
Dante turned on her and said:
-- And am I to sit here and listen to the pastors of my church being flouted?
-- Nobody is saying a word against them, said Mr Dedalus, so long as they don't meddle in politics.
-- The bishops and priests of Ireland have spoken, said Dante, and they must be obeyed.
-- Let them leave politics alone, said Mr Casey, or the people may leave their church alone.
-- You hear? said Dante, turning to Mrs Dedalus.
-- Mr Casey! Simon! said Mrs Dedalus, let it end now.
-- Too bad! Too bad! said uncle Charles.
-- What? cried Mr Dedalus. Were we to desert him at the bidding of the English people?
-- He was no longer worthy to lead, said Dante. He was a public sinner.
-- We are all sinners and black sinners, said Mr Casey coldly.
-- Woe be to the man by whom the scandal cometh! said Mrs Riordan. It would be better for him that a millstone were tied about his neck and that he were cast into the depths of the sea rather than that he should scandalize one of these, my least little ones. That is the language of the Holy Ghost.
-- And very bad language if you ask me, said Mr Dedalus coolly.
-- Simon! Simon! said uncle Charles. The boy.
-- Yes, yes, said Mr Dedalus. I meant about the...I was thinking about the bad language of the railway porter. Well now, that's all right. Here, Stephen, show me your plate, old chap. Eat away now. Here.
He heaped up the food on Stephen's plate and served uncle Charles and Mr Casey to large pieces of turkey and splashes of sauce. Mrs Dedalus was eating little and Dante sat with her hands in her lap. She was red in the face. Mr Dedalus rooted with the carvers at the end of the dish and said:
-- There's a tasty bit here we call the pope's nose. If any lady or gentleman.
He held a piece of fowl up on the prong of the carving fork. Nobody spoke. He put it on his own plate, saying:
-- Well, you can't say but you were asked. I think I had better eat it myself because I'm not well in my health lately.
He winked at Stephen and, replacing the dish-cover, began to eat again.
There was a silence while he ate. Then he said:
-- Well now, the day kept up fine after all. There were plenty of strangers down too.
Nobody spoke. He said again:
-- I think there were more strangers down than last Christmas.
He looked round at the others whose faces were bent towards their plates and, receiving no reply, waited for a moment and said bitterly:
-- Well, my Christmas dinner has been spoiled anyhow.
-- There could be neither luck nor grace, Dante said, in a house where there is no respect for the pastors of the church.
Mr Dedalus threw his knife and fork noisily on his plate.
-- Respect! he said. Is it for Billy with the lip or for the tub of guts up in Armagh? Respect!
-- Princes of the church, said Mr Casey with slow scorn.
-- Lord Leitrim's coachman, yes, said Mr Dedalus.
-- They are the Lord's anointed, Dante said. They are an honour to their country.
-- Tub of guts, said Mr Dedalus coarsely. He has a handsome face, mind you, in repose. You should see that fellow lapping up his bacon and cabbage of a cold winter's day. O Johnny!
He twisted his features into a grimace of heavy bestiality and made a lapping noise with his lips.
-- Really, Simon, you should not speak that way before Stephen. It's not right.
-- O, he'll remember all this when he grows up, said Dante hotly - the language he heard against God and religion and priests in his own home.
-- Let him remember too, cried Mr Casey to her from across the table, the language with which the priests and the priests' pawns broke Parnell's heart and hounded him into his grave. Let him remember that too when he grows up.
-- Sons of bitches! cried Mr Dedalus. When he was down they turned on him to betray him and rend him like rats in a sewer. Low-lived dogs! And they look it! By Christ, they look it!
-- They behaved rightly, cried Dante. They obeyed their bishops and their priests. Honour to them!
-- Well, it is perfectly dreadful to say that not even for one day in the year, said Mrs Dedalus, can we be free from these dreadful disputes!
Uncle Charles raised his hands mildly and said:
-- Come now, come now, come now! Can we not have our opinions whatever they are without this bad temper and this bad language? It is too bad surely.
Mrs Dedalus spoke to Dante in a low voice but Dante said loudly:
-- I will not say nothing. I will defend my church and my religion when it is insulted and spit on by renegade catholics.
Mr Casey pushed his plate rudely into the middle of the table and, resting his elbows before him, said in a hoarse voice to his host:
-- Tell me, did I tell you that story about a very famous spit?
-- You did not, John, said Mr Dedalus.
-- Why then, said Mr Casey, it is a most instructive story. It happened not long ago in the county Wicklow where we are now.
He broke off and, turning towards Dante, said with quiet indignation:
-- And I may tell you, ma'am, that I, if you mean me, am no renegade catholic. I am a catholic as my father was and his father before him and his father before him again, when we gave up our lives rather than sell our faith.
-- The more shame to you now, Dante said, to speak as you do.
-- The story, John, said Mr Dedalus smiling. Let us have the story anyhow.
--Catholic indeed! repeated Dante ironically. The blackest protestant in the land would not speak the language I have heard this evening.
Mr Dedalus began to sway his head to and fro, crooning like a country singer.
-- I am no protestant, I tell you again, said Mr Casey, flushing.
Mr Dedalus, still crooning and swaying his head, began to sing in a grunting nasal tone:
O, come all you Roman catholics
That never went to mass.
He took up his knife and fork again in good humour and set to eating, saying to Mr Casey:
-- Let us have the story, John. It will help us to digest.
Stephen looked with affection at Mr Casey's face which stared across the table over his joined hands. He liked to sit near him at the fire, looking up at his dark fierce face. But his dark eyes were never fierce and his slow voice was good to listen to. But why was he then against the priests? Because Dante must be right then. But he had heard his father say that she was a spoiled nun and that she had come out of the convent in the Alleghanies when her brother had got the money from the savages for the trinkets and the chainies. Perhaps that made her severe against Parnell. And she did not like him to play with Eileen because Eileen was a protestant and when she was young she knew children that used to play with protestants and the protestants used to make fun of the litany of the Blessed Virgin. Tower of Ivory they used to say, House of Gold! How could a woman be a tower of ivory or a house of gold? Who was right then? And he remembered the evening in the infirmary in Clongowes, the dark waters, the light at the pierhead and the moan of sorrow from the people when they had heard.
Eileen had long white hands. One evening when playing tig she had put her hands over his eyes: long and white and thin and cold and soft. That was ivory: a cold white thing. That was the meaning of Tower of Ivory.
-- The story is very short and sweet, Mr Casey said. It was one day down in Arklow, a cold bitter day, not long before the chief died. May God have mercy on him!
He closed his eyes wearily and paused. Mr Dedalus took a bone from his plate and tore some meat from it with his teeth, saying:
-- Before he was killed, you mean.
Mr Casey opened his eyes, sighed and went on:
-- It was down in Arklow one day. We were down there at a meeting and after the meeting was over we had to make our way to the railway station through the crowd. Such booing and baaing, man, you never heard. They called us all the names in the world. Well there was one old lady, and a drunken old harridan she was surely, that paid all her attention to me. She kept dancing along beside me in the mud bawling and screaming into my face: Priest-hunter! The Paris Funds! Mr Fox! Kitty O'Shea!
-- And what did you do, John? asked Mr Dedalus.
-- I let her bawl away, said Mr Casey. It was a cold day and to keep up my heart I had (saving your presence, ma'am) a quid of Tullamore in my mouth and sure I couldn't say a word in any case because my mouth was full of tobacco juice.
-- Well, John?
--Well. I let her bawl away, to her heart's content, Kitty O'Shea and the rest of it till at last she called that lady a name that I won't sully this Christmas board nor your ears, ma'am, nor my own lips by repeating.
He paused. Mr Dedalus, lifting his head from the bone, asked:
-- And what did you do, John?
-- Do! said Mr Casey. She stuck her ugly old face up at me when she said it and I had my mouth full of tobacco juice. I bent down to her and Phth! says I to her like that.
He turned aside and made the act of spitting.
-- Phth! says I to her like that, right into her eye.
He clapped his hand to his eye and gave a hoarse scream of pain.
-- O Jesus, Mary and Joseph! says she. I'm blinded! I'm blinded and drownded!
He stopped in a fit of coughing and laughter, repeating:
-- I'm blinded entirely.
Mr Dedalus laughed loudly and lay back in his chair while uncle Charles swayed his head to and fro.
Dante looked terribly angry and repeated while they laughed:
-- Very nice! Ha! Very nice!
It was not nice about the spit in the woman's eye. But what was the name the woman had called Kitty O'Shea that Mr Casey would not repeat? He thought of Mr Casey walking through the crowds of people and making speeches from a wagonette. That was what he had been in prison for and he remembered that one night Sergeant O'Neill had come to the house and had stood in the hall, talking in a low voice with his father and chewing nervously at the chinstrap of his cap. And that night Mr Casey had not gone to Dublin by train but a car had come to the door and he had heard his father say something about the Cabinteely road.
He was for Ireland and Parnell and so was his father: and so was Dante too for one night at the band on the esplanade she had hit a gentleman on the head with her umbrella because he had taken off his hat when the band played God save the Queen at the end.
Mr Dedalus gave a snort of contempt.
-- Ah, John, he said. It is true for them. We are an unfortunate priest-ridden race and always were and always will be till the end of the chapter.
Uncle Charles shook his head, saying:
-- A bad business! A bad business!
Mr Dedalus repeated:
-- A priest-ridden Godforsaken race!
He pointed to the portrait of his grandfather on the wall to his right.
--Do you see that old chap up there, John? he said. He was a good Irishman when there was no money In the job. He was condemned to death as a whiteboy. But he had a saying about our clerical friends, that he would never let one of them put his two feet under his mahogany.
Dante broke in angrily:
-- If we are a priest-ridden race we ought to be proud of it! They are the apple of God's eye. Touch them not, says Christ, for they are the apple of My eye.
-- And can we not love our country then? asked Mr Casey. Are we not to follow the man that was born to lead us?
-- A traitor to his country! replied Dante. A traitor, an adulterer! The priests were right to abandon him. The priests were always the true friends of Ireland.
-- Were they, faith? said Mr Casey.
He threw his fist on the table and, frowning angrily, protruded one finger after another.
-- Didn't the bishops of Ireland betray us in the time of the union when Bishop Lanigan presented an address of loyalty to the Marquess Cornwallis? Didn't the bishops and priests sell the aspirations of their country in 1829 in return for catholic emancipation? Didn't they denounce the fenian movement from the pulpit and in the confession box? And didn't they dishonour the ashes of Terence Bellew MacManus?
His face was glowing with anger and Stephen felt the glow rise to his own cheek as the spoken words thrilled him. Mr Dedalus uttered a guffaw of coarse scorn.
-- O, by God, he cried, I forgot little old Paul Cullen! Another apple of God's eye!
Dante bent across the table and cried to Mr Casey:
-- Right! Right! They were always right! God and morality and religion come first.
Mrs Dedalus, seeing her excitement, said to her:
-- Mrs Riordan, don't excite yourself answering them.
-- God and religion before everything! Dante cried. God and religion before the world.
Mr Casey raised his clenched fist and brought it down on the table with a crash.
-- Very well then, he shouted hoarsely, if it comes to that, no God for Ireland!
-- John! John! cried Mr Dedalus, seizing his guest by the coat sleeve.
Dante stared across the table, her cheeks shaking. Mr Casey struggled up from his chair and bent across the table towards her, scraping the air from before his eyes with one hand as though he were tearing aside a cobweb.
-- No God for Ireland! he cried. We have had too much God In Ireland. Away with God!
-- Blasphemer! Devil! screamed Dante, starting to her feet and almost spitting in his face.
Uncle Charles and Mr Dedalus pulled Mr Casey back into his chair again, talking to him from both sides reasonably. He stared before him out of his dark flaming eyes, repeating:
-- Away with God, I say!
Dante shoved her chair violently aside and left the table, upsetting her napkin-ring which rolled slowly along the carpet and came to rest against the foot of an easy-chair. Mrs Dedalus rose quickly and followed her towards the door. At the door Dante turned round violently and shouted down the room, her cheeks flushed and quivering with rage:
-- Devil out of hell! We won! We crushed him to death! Fiend!
The door slammed behind her.
Mr Casey, freeing his arms from his holders, suddenly bowed his head on his hands with a sob of pain.
-- Poor Parnell! he cried loudly. My dead king!
He sobbed loudly and bitterly.
Stephen, raising his terror-stricken face, saw that his father's eyes were full of tears.